On July 8, 2020, I saw the faintest little line on a pregnancy test. That’s the moment I knew you were there. You were real. And you were ours.
For the next 9 months, you were with me everywhere I went. I carried you, I talked to you, I sang and read to you. We were literally attached and it was the first time in my life that I was completely happy with never being alone.
Then you were born and you were no longer in my belly. I had to accept that other people would hold you and love on you, but for another 2 months we were still always together. Then one day I went to the gym, and for the first time since July 8, 2020, we were in different places. I was back home in less than an hour because I missed you so much.
For another 2 months, we were never apart for more than 2 hours at a time. Then my maternity leave ended and I had to go back to work. That was a hard day. I cried as I left home (thankfully I got to leave you with your daddy), and I cried when I held you in my arms when I got home that evening.
For another 7 months, the longest time we spent apart from each other was the length of a workday. We got used to the time in different places, but we still craved our time together at night. Then I spent two nights away from you. It’s a good thing you have the most wonderful daddy because he sure did ease my anxieties about leaving you as much as he possibly could. But I was still incredibly anxious and I still missed you more than I even knew I could, so I braved a snow storm (it wasn’t as bad as the news made me think it would be), and I drove 4 hours home to you a day early.
As time goes on, we’ve spent more and more time apart. You need me less and less. I know the whole point of having babies is to raise independent, good humans, but dang! Who knew letting you grow into that independent, good human would be the hardest thing to accept? It’s happening so much faster than I expected.
My identity changed on July 8, 2020. I became your mommy. I love that that’s who I became. It’s my favorite thing about myself. But as you need me less, is that part of my identity becoming less important? You are having your own thoughts and opinions. You have likes and dislikes. You know who your people are and you love playing with them. This is exactly what I wanted. You’re growing exactly how you should. But sometimes, deep down and selfishly, all I want is to go back to the time when we were always together.
I will continue to force myself to step back a bit and watch you grow. But I want you to know that even when we’re not in the same place, you’re always on my mind, and what I want more than anything is to always be with you and your daddy.
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